A Bomb to Push
by Fellius
Summary: The only thing standing between two members of RED and pushing the payload cart to the final terminus is a sentry gun, its engineer, a pyro, and their own ineptitude. Does hilarity ensue?  Maybe.


"I confess," Pierre whispered. "I wasn't quite prepared for that...monster."

Leon sighed and snapped the handlebar down on his medigun. A red beam crept forth and burrowed its way into Pierre's suit. Within seconds, the flames were put out and the wounds were already closing.

"I'm glad you escaped, zomehow. And didn't lead him here."

There was a long, exhausted silence.

"Maybe ve could use ze ubercharge," Leon said. "I mean, it iz not like ze sentry can stop you from just zhooting them when you're invulnerable."

The spy drew his revolver and started to load a new clip. The paint had been burned off the revolver in places, and several nasty dents marked the barrel. It was a weapon that should have been retired long ago, but still trudged along in the murder business. Pierre had once considered looting a shotgun, but never actually done it- only a six-shot repeater would do for a spy.

"No," Pierre said. "What would we do after the engineer is dead and his gun is smithereens? Neither of us can deal with the pyro."  
"Zhoot him too?"

"Six shots. Three for the engineer leaves three left. That's if my aim is good, too. Can't kill the pyro with just three shots. Plus he looks smart enough to bang a sparking metal box off somewhere it doesn't belong. Then that sentry will tear us apart."

Leon laughed lightly. It was all a bit absurd, really. A medic and a spy, supposed to push a payload cart right up to the BLU base? Sure, it was great that RED was finally on the offensive, but it was a sad day when two guys was all they could afford to send. This was at least a 5 man mission, but budget cuts had left a useless two man team. It was suicide.

"You know, zis vould be a lot simpler if you had brought un real cloak. Not ze dead ringer. I've only seen you vool a soldier, just ze once. Und zat vas just so you could run away. I killed him."

Pierre idly flipped open the pocketwatch in question. Fully charged. Ready to protect him from a potentially fatal blow.

"Never used a 'real cloak' before. This thing has saved my life so many times, and it cloaks just fine. Back when we were contesting some missile silo, I used it to make the enemy believe our entire team was dead. They packed up, left a few sentry guns, and moved on. We got that entire base casualty free, just cause of this."

Leon sighed, and leaned against a dusty rock. He listened with irritation to every satisfied beep the infernal gun on the rooftop ahead made.

"Idea," Pierre said. "I'll disguise as a friendly heavy from afar. They'll think RED is sending actual enemies, and maybe they'll run away. Nobody wants to face a heavy."

"Iz good idea," Leon said. "I like it. No risk to anyone. You're sure though your paper masks can make you look like real heavy?"

"The masks are for your convenience. Not part of the disguise. But yes, I can do it. Probably."

"I suppose we should try, zen."

Leon stood up and grabbed his medigun. Sparks flew from the weapon, fully charged with the blood of a dead soldier.

"Hey boys," said a voice. The lazy Southern drawl marked it as that of the enemy engineer. "I can hear your every word y'know. Just sayin'."

"Well laborer," Pierre said. "Maybe I really am a heavy. With a disguise kit. A really, really good actor too. And maybe we just wanted to get your guard down. And are coming to kill you presently, so you best start running."

"Well now, what do you say to that," the engineer laughed. "Pyro."

Leon froze in fear. There the pyro was, on top of the rock Leon was leaning on. The flamethrower in his hand had the head of an angry snake, ready to devour medics whole. Behind him, Pierre's pocketwatch clicked open and with a shudder he disappeared. An illusory corpse dropped to his feet, but quickly sparked out of existence before the pyro saw it.

"Hudda hudda huh," the pyro said. He jumped down and faced the paralyzed medic. Leon had never seen a pyro without a mask, but he knew enough to know this one was smiling real wide.

"Mmrf mhhmp mmh."

"I hate you so much, you coward of a spy," Leon muttered. With a press of his medigun, Leon felt a surge of energy wash over him. His body was surrounded with a pulsating red sheen. As usual, it felt like stepping into a soothing pool of cool water. But unlike usual, the ubercharge was not accompanied by feelings of elation and schadenfreude. It was tinged with fear.

The pyro made a grunting noise- presumably to show his frustration at his now invulnerable prey. Leon ran.

Flames licked at his heels as the pyro gave chase. He felt no pain, but soon the charge would wear off and he could very well be dead. Thankfully, Leon was relatively sure he could outrun some maniac in a heavy fire suit.

Leon spotted a building ahead, just as the charge fizzled and died. He ran into it. It was a plain wooden room, with a staircase to the side. Leon charged up the stairs- shotgun pellets whizzing past him. One hit him, but he shrugged it off and kept running. Wounds like that he hardly even noticed anymore. After what seemed like endless spirals upwards, he reached the top of the stairs and rested a moment.

There was the sound of heavy panting, now fading away. The pyro probably had bad lungs, like all pyros inevitably do, and gave up. Leon was safe for the moment. He studied his surroundings- the flat rooftop of a nondescript, shoddily built building. It had a great view, however. Leon could see clear to the rock where he had almost died. Hearing something, Leon walked to the edge of the rooftop and looked down.

Pierre waved from the ground, four stories below. He had a grin on his face and a shiny new revolver.

"Hey look what I found! This thing is like a cannon. Coming down, amigo?"

Leon laughed.

"Ze pyro was chasing me, you idiot. He's down zere with you right now. Maybe he'll give you what you deserve for leaving me like zhat."

"Nah," Pierre said. "I saw him trotting back to his love-buddy engineer. Here, I'll toss you my watch and you can jump down."

Pierre lobbed the pocketwatch high. Leon caught it and almost dropped it.

"And vhat ze hell do I do vith zis?"

"Press the button before you hit the ground. It's spytech, it'll work. Trust me!"

Leon jumped and pressed the button. A simulacrum of his corpse flew past him, landing in the dirt. Leon himself landed with a soft cushion. It only hurt a twitch, and he noticed he was now invisible.

Pierre walked over to Leon's corpse.

"Ah, bad form. You press it when you hit the ground, not in the air."

With a jarring djzzt, Leon uncloaked. Pierre jumped slightly and Leon handed him the watch.

"Is it really that loud?" Pierre said. "I didn't think it was that loud."

"You're a really bad spy, you know zhat? Letting us get snuck up on, running avay at ze first zign of trouble... But I admit, your gadgets are pretty cool."  
"You know what else is cool? This."

Pierre proffered his gun. It was a shiny gray revolver, engraved with a floral pattern. Touched with dust from being dropped in a previous battle, no doubt.

"Gaudy," Leon said as he examined it in his hands. "Doesn't suit a spy at all. Does it vurk?"

"'Course. Spy stuff is well made. Anyway, sorry about ditching you and all but ...I don't deal with pyros. It's a spy thing."

"Vell, now I have no charge and we're completely screwed. Might as well surrender."

Leon handed Pierre his new gun and took out his ubersaw.

"Alzough ve could get a new charge if you don't mind ze pain..."

A shadow cast itself between Leon and Pierre. They both looked up and saw a behatted man looking down at them from on top of the building Leon was just on..

"Hey, mates, ain't you s'posed to be pushin' the bloody cart?"

Pierre shaded his eyes as he looked up.

"Oh good, a sniper. Just what we needed. Now we can ubercharge the sniper and he'll karate chop the sentry to death."

"Listen mates, I'll be right down there. Hold on to your hats."

The sniper disappeared from view.

"Vhat does he mean, hold on to your hats? I don't have a hat," Leon said.

"Me neither. Why would you ever want a hat, anyway? We're in a war, not a modeling contest."

"Me, I do not zhink zis sniper vill be of much help."

Pierre glanced down at his gun.

"Why would you even need a sniper when you've got this baby," he cooed.

"Anyvays, I have a plan."

A minute later, the sniper walked back into view.

"G'day," he said. "Call me Sid. Now let's go find that cart, eh?"  
"No need to find it. The enemy already did that for us, and we're not getting past them any time soon."

"Well that sounds like a real bloody routin' you guys took. What, they got a heavy up there? 'Cuz I can put holes in a heavy real quick."

"Engineer and a pyro."

"Ah, thas' a problem now innit'?"

The sniper scratched his head and readjusted his hat.

"Guessin' we'll need a plan then, eh?" the sniper mumbled.

"It's hopeless," Pierre said. "We were just about to surrender."

"Surrender? Wait a tic! I got an idea. You two lure them into the open- fake that surrender of yours and I'll kindly liberate them of their heads."

"Could work, actually. Unlike Leon's ideas," Pierre said. "Oh yes, the medic's name is Leon. And if you don't die, you may one day come to know my name..."

"It iz Pierre," Leon said. "He iz a very bad spy."

Sid shrugged and rubbed his panama hat again.

"Uhm, okay mates. Listen, why don' we hurry this up see? Bonus money for quick job and all, and I got sights on a really nice hat. I'll be on top of this building, and you lure him into that space over there."

"Vhy doesn't ze worthless spy go. Nothing lost if he dies."

"Clearly," Pierre said. "If only one of us goes they'll think it's some sort of ambush. We must both go. Besides, _me_ the worthless spy? Which medic was so useless he got sent to heal a spy?"

"Shut up. They knew I could do zis by myself, and I'd probably win zis whole war were you not here."

"You two gonna get movin'? Oh yea, and don't take any weapons. Make it a proper-looking surrender," Sid said.

Begrudgingly, the pair dropped their weapons and walked to the engineer's nest. After a minute's trek, they reached the same rock they had hid behind earlier. There was a clear line of sight from Sid's position straight to them.

"Hey, uhh, Mister," Pierre yelled. "We reckon we don't got no chance in hell of beatin' yall and since this is pretty much suicide for us, whaddya say we just surrender? And then you'll let us pass on to the next town where we'll quit this mercenary business forever."

"Gee golly whiz," the engineer said. "It doesn't sound like you're luring me into some sort of trap at all!"

"No look, you vool, ve have no weapons. Ze? Completely defenseless."

The pyro peeked his head from the top of the platform.

"Mmhphr mhhr huh!" he exclaimed.

"Really now? An earnest surrendah?"

The engineer came into view.

"My my, pretty desperate. Come along now little pyro," the engineer said. The two of them climbed down a ladder, both wielding shotguns. They walked up to Leon and Pierre, and faced them a safe distance away.

"Y'all's pretty sad excuses for mercenaries, y'know."

"Oh really now, you vool? We'll see who's sad vhen you've no head! Hahah!"

There was a long, awkward silence.

"Yeah, folks, sorry. But y'all should learn to spycheck."

A figure decloaked next to the pyro. A besuited man with an excellent hat. And a classy suit.

"Oh, please," the spy said. "You are both incompetent cowards. A sniper you've never seen before tells you to leave all your weapons behind and go stand out in the open and you believe him? My god, I get _paid_ for fooling children such as you?"

The spy flicked his cigarette at Pierre.

"And you worst of all. You disgust me. You are an amateur and a fool. But thank you, friend, for finding my poor old revolver. Shame you had to get your grubby hands all over it."

"Maybe I am a bad spy. I mean, I'm not even French," Pierre whispered.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Leon said. "I'm not German either. Anyway, at least ve vill have died honorably, fighting overwhelming odds on a suicide mission. On ze official record, anyway."

"Mmphr hudda hudda mprrrff."

"If I know what that pyro is sayin', folks, and I do think I do," the engineer said. "He wants to have a little bit of fun. And I quite agree."

The three BLUs whispered to each other for a minute before reaching a conclusion.

"Here's the deal. We'll let one of y'all live and the other one die. Specifically, we'll have a little arena one on one fight to the death mano a mano, y'know? I even got some extra kukris for y'all."

The pyro climbed the ladder. When he returned, he took two kukris, both slightly blackened with fire, and threw them at Leon and Pierre's feet.

"Git along now, y'all," the engineer smiled. "To the death yea?"

Pierre picked up his kukri, and Leon picked up his.

"Damnit, I never wanted to kill you, friend," Pierre said. "You've been really swell. Hell, I can't kill you."

"How misfortunate, for I have NO SUCH RESERVATIONS," Leon laughed. He ran at Pierre and swung his kukri. Pierre dodged deftly.

"Look, man! I know you have to do this but can't we-"

Leon swung hard. It connected with Pierre's neck and pierced clean through. Pierre's body stiffened and fell to the floor, spurting blood. His head landed with a whump a second later, several feet away. There was a shocked pause.

"Medics do have a reputation for being ever so slightly homicidal and insane," the spy said. "But I had no idea..."

The engineer stopped gaping and stood up. He leveled his shotgun warily.

"Look now, I'm an honorable man and keep my word... but you enjoyed that a little bit too much for my tastes. Why don't you get along quicklike? And if I ever see you again I won't hestitate to shoot. Ya monster."

"Ov course!" Leon said. "Zeyr are more things to hurt und I have lost time here. I zhall leave now. Immediately. Vithout ze delay."

Leon walked away briskly, hands swinging joyfully. The BLU team just stared after him, unbelieving. After a bit of walking, he found himself standing back on the rooftop of the storage warehouse. His weapons were in a neat pile on top of a crate.

And Pierre was waiting for him.

"You know," Leon said. "I can zee why you use that thing. But not how you got here before me."

Pierre twirled the dead ringer in his fingers.

"It's called running, my slow friend. Anyway, thinking about it, maybe I should have been an engineer. That gun was pretty easy to rewire."

"They're made by the same company and given to both BLU and RED. They re-use them all the time. Plus they're designed for idiots," Leon said. He grinned. "How long before he sees it?"

Pierre smiled and held his hand up to his ear.

* * *

The engineer had broken out his guitar and a few bottles of whisky to celebrate their victory. He was strumming it idly when the pyro ran up to him.

"Mrf mhro mrphh mhhh mprh!"

"Spy, do you have any idea what he's saying?"

The spy briefly took his gaze away from his hat collection.

"I'm afraid not."

"Mrrphe! Mrrrphe!"

"Something about my sentry?" the engineer gasped.

"Yuhuh!"

The engineer threw his guitar aside and bolted up. The spy and the pyro followed after him, and they ran over to the engineer's well-placed sentry gun. They crowded around it.

On it was a well placed, highly visible sapper. It was sparking, and the sentry pointed downwards from lack of power.

"Spy sapping my sentry!" the engineer cried. "Pyro, check for spies!"

The engineer pulled a wrench from his toolbelt and smashed the sapper with a single blow, crushing it.

The sentry tilted itself back up.

It beeped happily.

And it swiveled towards the engineer before discharging its twin barreled machinegun straight into his gut.

* * *

From afar, Leon heard the screaming. It soothed him, but it was shortlived. The sentry gun was an efficient beast.

"You know," he said. "Ve're a pretty good pair us two. But if only you vere a soldier..."

"Oh please. You really want to work with one of those madmen?"

"Right."

Leon picked up his medigun.

"Hey," he said. "Do you vant to go filch that spy's gun?"

Pierre shook his head, and drew his beat-up old revolver from his suit.

"Nah, this one suits me just fine."

Pierre smiled as he tucked the beat-up six-shooter away.

"Besides, we got a bomb to push."


End file.
